TW: mention of self-harm and s-ideation
This is a declaration.
I am done being ashamed. I am done trying to push myself to keep up with the world. The world doesn’t owe me anything as I do not owe them.
My hope is in the Lord Jesus Christ. I’m done walking with the world and I’m done trying to please the world. The world does not give me any peace, just jealousy and lust and anger.
Being ashamed and feeling so guilty because of my human failures brings too much burden among my shoulders. It leads to more and more sin against God. It puts me past the enemy lines and in danger of being taken down and staying down.
No matter how many times I have failed though, God has always been there. Jesus has always walked by my side, encouraging me through the Holy Spirit, correcting my path and my attitude.
Back when I didn’t think much of salvation and of Jesus or God, I lived a life of sin. I dove into it head first without a backwards glance. This in turn gave me crippling self doubt, depression, suicide ideation, and self-harm. My thoughts would turn dark as a teenager and also as a young adult. Up until I finally let go and began to learn how to heal due to God’s commitment, I would bite myself on my wrists up until I would bleed. I would take sharp objects and poke myself until I bled. While it wasn’t a severe case of self harm, it could have led to that path. I had ideation of taking myself out by crashing my car, by smashing my head against the wall until I could knock myself out, taking a knife and slamming it in my chest.
I almost crashed my car at one point going home in the dark from work. In fact, I almost hit the railing of the bridge, but these hands came out of nowhere and took the steering wheel and sharply turned the wheel just in time. I don’t remember much about that incident, but I do remember clearly of hearing a commanding voice yell, “no!” just as the hands came out.
I didn’t really look back on that incident until I truly started to read the word of God. Until I started to really get into His presence and surrender. It took me a very (and I do mean a VERY) long time before I truly became enamored with Him and wanted to pursue a relationship with Him. To have that safe and peaceful feeling.
I’m not going to sit here and pretend all of my problems went away. With becoming more involved with God, and Jesus and the Holy Spirit, the more attacks you have from the enemy, the more temptations you’re faced with (or start noticing). That’s when you know healing and a great transformation is happening in your life — when the enemy goes harder and harder against you. I’m so grateful to God for protecting me.
I’m also not going to sit here and pretend that life is easier, or that I don’t still fall into temptation of sin, especially sexual sin. One of my biggest sins I have to face (with the grace of God) is sexual sin and it still affects me. The only difference about this time apart from the other times facing this sin is that I repent right after and continue to make strides against this particular sin.
As the wise words of Solomon, Prov. 5:7–8, “And now, O sons, listen to me, and do not depart from the words of my mouth. Keep your way far from her, and do not go near the door of her house.” it tells you to keep far away from this type of sin. I’ve tried all kinds of ways to repel this sin, however, it doesn’t work because of my self-indulgent nature. Lately, I’ve been thinking about my surroundings and my temptation and why it continues so.
It’s because I have not fully reconciled with God. It’s because I have not made a full commitment as I should have years ago. To keep the covenant of my Lord Jesus Christ.
I’m still not where I want to be, but Thank God I am not where I used to be. I have more of an understanding of what avenues God has planted for me to take to keep away from this particular dire sin. He and I will continue to work together to one day completely reconcile. It’s now or never, as they say.
I pray that whatever you’re going through, you feel the hand of the Lord on your back, on your head. I pray blessings and peace upon your life. I pray in Jesus’s name that He guides you where you need to be. And I pray your hearts are ready to accept Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior. Amen and Amen.
God really is good, despite so many ill-set proclamations of Him from the enemy.
You just have to be willing to give Him a chance. It doesn’t happen over night, it happens with time once you start to let go and let God.
Originally published on July 24, 2022 at awritingbee.com