It’s 6:30 in the morning, on a Saturday — hours before I have to leave to meet up with a friend — and I’m drinking my coffee. I’m watching a video with reviewer of Christian songs that break down famous songs to see if they’re truly of the Gospel, or just a caricature of what the Gospels are (something like a surface level song that speaks about surface level followers of Christ.) The reviewer explained that one song verse represented the heart of the humanity and how God looks at our heart more than our works.
As I was listening, I got an epiphany of my own struggles of the heart and how it affects me. I heard in my spirit, “you bargain with Christ, not live for Him.”
“For if we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord. So then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord’s.” The Good News: Devoting yourself to God in life is the way to live an honest and happy life. All the choices you make in your life should be made for His honor.
Roman 14:8
I won’t pretend that it affected me completely and utterly in an altering life-changing moment. It did, however, answer my question — “Am I really living for Christ or am I living for myself on hopes I’ll see Christ.” There’s a big, big difference in those questions.
One means to live for Christ despite the intricacies of the world beating you down. You give up everything just for Christ alone. The other means to live for the world while pretending to be living for Christ. It’s all for show.
The epiphany I got from this was that I’ve been bargaining with God about my situations. “If I do this, God, I’ll get to work on what you ask me to do, if I can have this, I’ll do this for you later. You’re important to me God, but I don’t like how my life is going on right now. Can you fix it so I can feel better?” This struck me and set my soul into shambles because I thought I was living for Him, not pursuing Him as a genie who can fix all my problems and answer all my prayers with one snap of a finger.
Fun/Hard pill fact: I’m not supposed to be living for this world. I’m not of this world. Christ has come to this world and defeated death for us. He became the unblemished lamb in order to sacrifice Himself for US. But here I am trashing His sacrifice as if it’s just a minor bleak part of Christian history. He’s not from history. He IS history. He IS the past, present, and future. He does not change. HE is alive and well.
But the question for myself is: Am I alive and well in HIM? Am I living for HIM? Am I not supposed to be a vessel for HIS Glory rather than my own selfish pride?
I am ashamed of myself. And I confess that I have been using Him as a genie. I’ve been using Christ as a buffer for my own selfish pride and my own selfish wants. I pray to God and say In Christ’s name I want to live for you, but after that prayer leaves my mouth, I turn my back on Him and walk away. I turn around only when I need something or am in an alarming position I put myself in, calling out to Him to save me.
He rushes to my side. He picks me up and carries me. But the moment He puts me down, I’m running from Him again. I’m going back into the forest without Him while He calls my name to run back to Him. I’m at the beginning of this epiphany and what happens after won’t be easy. It won’t be overnight I’ll say. “Oh yes! I am finally on the right track!”
What will happen until I finally get my life right in Christ is the same thing over and over — but with this newfound thought, at least consciously I am highly aware of what I am doing. I pray the Holy Spirit can guide me to TRUE repentance, TRUE acceptance of God’s Glory rather than my own diluted version and TRUE acceptance that I must give up everything in order to become closer to God.
This world is temporary. Humans are temporary. Time is temporary.
They will perish, but You remain; they will all wear out like a garment. Like clothing You will change them, and they will be passed on.
Psalm 102:26
Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will not pass away.
Matthew 24:35
We all fall short of His Glory, but Thank God through Jesus Christ, through the narrow bridge, we can walk with Him, learn from Him, and be saved by Him through His Mercy and Grace. Amen.
Note: This blog post was published on awritingbee.com on April 1st, 2023.